I had been in the office at work that afternoon. I liked to step in and chat to the admin girl. She is tall, blonde, willowy figured, has a lovely smile and a big hearted personality. To me she is an attractive child. A third my age.
We sit, we chat, its all such light hearted stuff. The end of the work day goes very quickly and then something in the mind just “clicks” and I know its time to go home.
This particular afternoon work mate was not very like her usual self. Smiles were on ration and the atmosphere was gloomy. I tried to raise her mood a bit, but she remained ultra polite without warmth. The “click” to go home, came early that day. I drove home. It was a beautiful, sunny, warm, summer day, I had the driver’s window down to get the cool 50mph breeze to brush my face, and the world felt so nice, my mp3 player was blasting a favourite song by little known Manchester Singer Jess Kemp.
“on the ground,
waiting to be found,
and its a long way down…”
The Chorus, stuck in my mind, for some reason it just lingered and came and went. This was common for me, Music seperates me from anxious thoughts.
I got home and I thought “I have to find out why.”
I entered Facebook messenger and sent a message to my friend.
“You weren’t yourself today, if its personal you can tell me to bugger off, and I will get that, but if its something you can share, unburden yourself, I am your friend and a good listener.”
The reply took me completely off guard. It was very short, blunt, and to the heart of a trouble she had. “Why are you so kind and nice to me?”
In reply I told her a true story.
It was a long time ago. I was on holiday, and that particular day I was with just my dog ’Ashkin’ on a desserted pebbly beach. It was one of those days where some clouds were just lurking in a bright sunny blue sky. When you looked at the beach you saw parts of the beach were in ’cloud shadow’ and parts of the beach were in brilliant sunshine. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Ashkin doing her favourite ’wave hopping’ and on her face was the unmisstakable grin of a Welsh Springer Spaniel really enjoying herself. Out of left field, I noticed a very bright sunlit patch of pebbles. Smack in the middle of this patch was one of those marvelous white disks that I used to seek out as a child myself for ’skimming’. You know, your own little version of a Barnes Wallaces bouncing bomb. I lent over and picked it up. Ashkin gave an excited bark, she was playing with a splendid looking Border Collie [two Welsh rooted pals]. I looked at the stone, and was about to skim it, when I noticed it was round, disk like, and sparkled with thousands of minute pin points of light. As I held it in my hand, a long forgotten memory returned, so vivid, I could see it just like it was happening right now, this instant. There was my father nailing a Catherine wheel onto a plank of wood from the shed in the garden. Smiling as he lit it, me and my big sister Lynda watching as the Catherine Wheel stayed stubbornly stationary whilst its tail spewed bright white sparkly flame slowly moving in a reverse clockwise direction. Dad muttering and giving the non compliant firework a flick to get it going. It never got going, and wended its weary way round, until spent. And suddenly, I was not in a November garden in East London, Fifty years had just scrambled away and I was back on the beach. Ashkin, sat in front of me was staring intently at me, the Collie now gone. I smiled at my wonderful dog and skimmed the stone for her. Ashkin raced off excitedly into the sea chasing the weirdly bobbing stone.
“That’s a lovely story Paul, I was with you all the way, connected, in my mind I could see all the things you spoke about, cheered me up no end you have, thanks buddy!”
You see, there were millions of stones on that beach. Millions and millions and yet that one particular stone caught my attention, and I just knew it was very special. An observer of that would say “Look at that crazy old man, all those pebbles and yet that particular pebble delights him so much. What a crazy old Codger!!”
I dont know why that pebble caused such delight. It just has a magic that is “What is.”
Mt friend smiled me the biggest grin ever [even much better than her usual smile] “I get it, we like each other for reasons we cannot explain, and don’t have to.”
“Yes exactly, it is “What is…”
And the moment passed. It was replaced by a happy, relaxed, free flowing conversation, all in lightspeed time. The elephant had gone. Ashkin has been gone 3 years, Dad 22 years, my sister rings me every monday at 7pm precisely and Catherine Wheels still stick occassionally.
Stone skimming aint just for young boys on beaches.
overthinking can lead to self condemnation even when intent was for the purest motive and intuition led you there. Your a bit like a judge that says “guilty… What’s the charge?”
